Going Away

Inspired by Sylvia Plath's 'Mad Girl's Love Song' ...

I fancied you'd return the way you said,

But I grow old and I forget your name.

(I think I made you up inside my head.)

For the fifth and final time, she turned to look at him. He still hadn’t moved. In spite of herself, she felt a lump in her throat; the corners of her lips trembled threatening to curl into a downward arc, her eyes trying clear themselves from the watery veil. He didn’t even so much as acknowledge her lingering presence. As far as he was concerned, he had fulfilled his obligation by waving her a cordial goodbye and wishing her a happy journey. He had buried himself in work, his flawless pearly forehead under his forever clumsy hair visible over the laptop he intently peered into. As he moved his head while typing, his youthful brown eyes became visible. She stared at him longingly, as if willing him into seeing her, but his eyes continued to be focussed on the screen of his computer.

 His eyes. That’s where her fascination had started. His dark eyes which revealed themselves to be a deep brown when light fell across them. There was something so gentle and soft about them, like they warmed her leaving a trace on her body wherever the eyes went. She could feel her cheeks flush, a soft, shy smile light up on her lips when they did so. After determining that her shirt was proper, her bracelets sitting pretty at her wrist and her hair falling over her shoulders in just the right manner, she waved him a ‘hello’. He always waved back with a smile, his eyes bright and warm, welcoming her presence around him. When he flashed a smile, she felt her heart skip several beats together. His smile was so easy going, relaxed, effortlessly charming. She would often smile to herself and gloat silently, he was always so glad to see her.

She bowed her head and walked over to the water cooler. She felt betrayed by his indifference. How could he do that to her? she thought as she absent mindedly clutched a glass of water. She watched as a few co-workers walked by. Some smiled at her, two stopped in front of her and shook her hand one last time. They wished her farewell and a happy life ahead. She thanked all and cordially responded to the wishes. Seizing an opportunity she even let out a small laugh, hoping it would reach his ears and he'd look up to meet her eyes, but nothing happened.

She felt miserable. Here she was, leaving this office, going away forever and he couldn't even care to walk her out. How people change! she wondered. It only seemed like yesterday that they were together; chatting, laughing, the promises he made... no, there had been no promises. She resented that. She didn’t have any promise that she could hold him to. How could they have spent all this time without getting ahead in the relationship?? All those days, the words exchanged over coffee... no, cold drink... and that was only once.

 From where she stood, she had a clear view of the break room. She sadly smiled to herself. What a day it had been. They had had a successful meeting, closed a good deal; six of them sat around the table in the break room, relieved, waiting for their pizza. They had one big bottle of coke which everyone passed around. She still remembered the warm smile he gave her when she passed him the bottle. His eyebrows raised in a comic fashion as he said something funny. He had taken the bottle from her, taken a sip and passed it on. Few minutes later when she found herself searching for the bottle for another drink, he had been to one to reach for the bottle and give it to her. She still savored the moment when their fingers brushed together. She bet that there was a playful naughtiness in his eyes. And she responded by blushing.

How Neha had made fun of his hair that day! He had an adorable habit of running his fingers casually through his hair in a half hearted attempt to keep it tidy, but the result achieved was quite the opposite. In fact the untidy look suited him. It gave him a boyish charm that made her heart melt every time she looked at him. She didn’t like it at all when he entered the office with his hair all combed back neatly. It looked like it was an attempt to look mature and his immaturity shone through in that very attempt. She felt like ruffling his hair and making it all perfect again. She knew he would only laugh, maybe crack a few jokes about it. But she had never dared.

She looked around the office again, this time taking in the rest of the people as well. She set down the glass in her hand, waved at the nearest two co-workers. They both wished her a happy journey. She then turned around and walked out of the office.

He still hadn't looked up.

Redemption

The lane was empty, barring a few cars parked here and there. I was in no particular hurry so I walked absent-mindedly humming to myself. My ears picked up some voices up ahead but my mind, which was too busy remembering the tune, didn’t register anything. I turned the corner and stopped abruptly. About ten steps ahead, two boys were arguing angrily with a third.

They both were well built, should have been around 21-23 yrs old. One of them was wearing a silver chain with dog tags, the kind that youngsters wear for fashion these days. The other one had red highlights in his hair. I shook my head in disapproval. The third boy was younger than the other two, and also leaner. He was wearing a black jacket and seemed to refusing to give up whatever he had in his pocket. From the words exchanged I could tell they were no strangers and that there was no love lost between them.

The argument in front of me was getting pretty intense. They were occasionally shoving the third boy roughly but the boy was in no mood to give in either. He was lashing out at every chance he got. As for me, I just watched. I didn’t want to get in the middle of any fight. But I couldn’t pass either. Not because I was worried, but because they were struggling against my car.

 I waited for them to move away but they paid no heed. I could see that the boy was starting to lose the fight. He was getting tired. But he still didn’t quit. I had to admire his spirit. I pulled out my phone, intending to call the police. That kid was fighting hard to save himself and I felt I owed him that much. Just as the dial tone filled my ear, my eyes landed on an object the guy with red highlights had pulled out. A gun. I dropped the phone in shock and backed up instinctively. I watched the one with the dog tags land some final punches on the boy as the other one prepared to shoot him.

“I have to help him” I thought.

“No, you have to save yourself”, a voice inside me hissed. I stood rooted to the spot.

The kid had almost given up. Almost. He knew he had lost his struggle to stay alive but his right hand was still firmly placed over his jacket pocket.

 With a look of resignation he looked around one last time. That’s when his eyes met mine. I could see him pleading, teary eyed, clinging on to the last hope that I would step in and save him.

“I can’t let him die, I have to do something!” I took a step forward.

“What are you doing?! You’ll get killed. Just get out of here!!” a selfish voice in my head shouted.

“Go” a third voice firmly said in my ear.

Startled, I turn around. A familiar man stood right beside me. I never heard him coming but here he was, ordering me. For a moment I forgot about the fight. All I could think was, “who is this guy? He looks extremely familiar!” But then he spoke again.

“Help him” he said, shoving me. I stumbled forward initially from the impact but then found myself taking a few steps on my own.

I reached the group. The guy wearing dog tags tried to punch me but I dodged his fist. I tackled the second guy, the one with the gun. He was so focused on the kid cowering at his feet that he didn’t see me coming. Slightly taken aback, he lost his footing and stumbled. Seizing this opportunity the kid jumped up and punched the guy I dodged squarely in the jaw. I smirked, “Given a fair chance, the kid sure can fight” I thought. The smirk lasted for two seconds before the ‘highlights guy’ started fighting me.

As soon as that moment of surprise had passed, I knew I was in over my head. The guy was too strong. I struggled for a minute but stopped when I heard a gunshot. The guy looked at me, back to his partner. They both looked slightly scared. Then he quickly got up and they both fled leaving me and the kid panting on the pavement.

I looked around to see if the kid was alright. I was expecting a heartfelt ‘thank you’ when I realized I couldn’t move. The bullet had found my abdomen. The kid was looking at me in absolute horror and guilt. “Oh my God” he kept muttering under his breath.

“Get help” I whispered. The kid nodded and ran towards the phone which I had dropped earlier on.

That’s when I saw that man, standing there. He had literally pushed me into this, and now he wanted to just stand there and watch! And worse, he looked sad, yet content. He came and kneeled beside me. I was wondering why the kid didn’t seem to notice him. I was angry, disgusted and terrified.

“Why did- “I muttered, my words blurring.

“I saved you from a life of regret. Now you will never know the guilt of letting someone die. You will never face the humiliation of not saving an innocent kid from a certain and horrible death. Trust me, I did you a favor”. The man smiled.

The familiarity of his face still confused me but I had more immediate things I had to say to him.

“You altruistic bastard! You let ME die!! What about that?? Huh??” I wanted to yell but I could only whisper it out. My vision was darkening around the edges. I just stared at him with what I hoped was a disgusted expression, even through the pain. For the first time, my mind zeroed in on the familiarity. I couldn’t believe my eyes!

 He was… How could it be?? This was impossible! I knew him! I saw him everyday! He was the man in the mirror.

“You… how is- “I gasped, forming words was getting very difficult.

This had to be a joke! I was shot, probably dying and the man sitting beside me with a pathetic ‘it’s for the greater good’ smile was… well… ME!

He saw my confusion and shrugged, “Years back, I let this kid die. I still remember the face of his mother when she asked me why I didn’t save him. I have asked my self the same thing ever since.”

“So you decide to kill me?” I think.

“You won’t understand, just like I didn’t back then. Its only when you have lived these years as I have, in overwhelming guilt, do you realize its not worth it.” he explained. His form was getting hazier, like he was vanishing. But then I didn’t know for sure because my own dimming vision wasn’t very reliable.

“I got one chance to do what I should have done back then. To redeem myself. I did” he said, his form almost translucent now.

My vision blurred completely, everything became dark. In the background I could hear the kid calling out to someone. Maybe the police have arrived; or the ambulance. I could hear sirens coming from somewhere. I felt the kid come up beside me and shake me.

“Wake up!” he called.

 But the voice and the touch felt distant, and I was too far gone to care.